no love

i don’t write love poetry anymore

or/poetry about love

my heart and bed are empty

my thoughts a distant memory

of/what love used to be

*

i once wrapped my life & legs around him

watched from the outside as i

lost myself in someone else

who didn’t lose himself in me

it was an out of body experience

& when he touched me, he moved me

mentally

his voice melted me like butter

& in his presence i was weak

when he would walk into a room

it was his eyes that would speak

saying, “Robin, c’mere”

& i would come every time

@ the drop of a dime

thinking if only he were mine

i would find a way to

love him longer/pull him in deeper/make myself sweeter i

often wondered how miraculous it would be

if he used his powers for good

when I would tell my friends about his swag

i was often misunderstood

but there was

healing in his fingers &

peace across his lips &

wonder in the rhythm

when he moved inside my hips

he had that voodoo

to woo, ah, & please

skills that could bring a grown woman to her knees

so imagine me, half grown

but mostly just an aged child

trippin’ off the way he had me

hypnotized/with his eyes

until I could hardly see

he offered me his love & i was a fiend immediately

wanting whatever piece of himself

he was willing to offer me

i wanted to give him a progeny

tattoo his name all over me

until my whole body was numb

i was trippin & his so-called love

left me mute, deaf, & dumb

i was paralyzed by the lull of his words

seducing me like poetry

i begged him to

speak to me

get to me

make me feel things were the way that they used to be

the days when he would stare at me with wonder & surprise

the 26 months before he got between my thighs

when we were friends & not lovers

when we would laugh & not fight

when we would sleep with no covers

& make love until the daylight

but

that was all an illusion

& all his back & forth kisses

brought me was confusion

it all began to make sense/eventually

loving him was becoming detrimental to me

i lost who i was & tried to be who he wanted me to be

& it took hours & years in front of the mirror to finally see

that that just could not be

light skinned & simple minded

i simply can’t be

submissive & open-handed?

paying a “love me” fee?

giving up my body & mind?

baby, that shit is NOT free

so you can stay with that other chick

but she can’t do it like me!

*

i was crossing over emptiness

building bridges with fences

& when he left, i finally came to my senses

seeking bliss from a fool when I should have been seeking princes

i had to put up my defenses

& honesty is a must

that wasn’t love that i felt

that feeling was lust

i don’t write love poetry anymore.

rboylorn

11 thoughts on “no love

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention no love « The Crunk Feminist Collective -- Topsy.com

  2. author:
    “i don’t write love poetry anymore.”

    HAH. Yeah riiight.

    author:
    i had to put up my defenses

    & honesty is a must

    that wasn’t love that i felt

    that feeling was lust [...]

    Hmmm. Okaaay. But you also included:

    so you can stay with that other chick

    but she can’t do it like me! [...]

    Umm..how do you know she “cant”..??? And why would you care anyway?

    What I see in this well-written and deeply moving piece are *Love,* lust, and pain.

    And the truth is, it actually scares the h*ll out of me to think that except for the Grace of God, THAT could’ve been me!

    • Hey Truthiz. Thanks for coming to our page, which is kinda like a living room for sisterfriends. Judging by the tone of your response, you may not have been here before or read the first paragraph of our mission statement: http://www.crunkfeministcollective.com/about/

      Judging by the grace of God comment, you may b visiting after the response to another recent post. Either way, I’m not sure how productive or sisterfriendly it is to be so judgmental about such a deeply personal expression, especially if you admittedly realize that pain is being expressed.

      Please do forgive me if I’ve misread your tone. Truth is, it just rubbed me wrong.

  3. CFC…well written thought reality. I was those eyes you mentioned..I was that so called loved you thought was there..I was that man who didn’t realize that what you was giving was heaven sent. I’ve been him and much worse so I feel your pain when you simply strain to say ‘No Love’! Thought reality is rich in emotions that we all wished we never felt. None of it is to blame so why provoke the same level of pain because you are still hurt? ‘…but she can’t do it like me’ let’s me know that the hurt and pain I’ve caused you left you without your identity. Not intentionally done so don’t allow the hurt and pain to bliss anger. Confused I was simple to not recognize the God in you. Self confidence I lacked to not feed your pouring soul. Amidst your cry, I find my way to speak what you never heard, resting in the bosom of your saturated love language, I see you. Life has it so that I’m in your place now because of where my place then left you. I offered you me but because of me you cradled another comfort. Hidden in the confused crevices of your thoughts, you went on to live without handling your biz. So here we are, two souls hurt up and caught in pain. It wasn’t lust you felt, it wasn’t that you had to put up your defenses…you just had to live. I feel your pain because having done it to you, I abandoned you instead of finding you. Real talk, Love Is Here! You and me both just can’t go searching for it because we didn’t nurture it. We can’t bury it because we never lived it. So, why say ‘no love’ when knowing love is all we desire. Because of me, you closed your door so now because of you, I’ve closed mine. All this in a thought reality because both you and me still know that love is here in this reality.

  4. I love the wordplay. The expressive details from beginning to end kept me reading. Spoke to me internally about a situation I’ve been in. Great work.

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