Crunkastic recently reminded me that even the crunkist of the feminists has her/his moments and it got me thinking. Spreading the feminist word (although incredibly gratifying at times) just ain’t easy. I have to admit that being crunk comes naturally to me but honestly being feminist all day everyday…is ROUGH. Acknowledging each and every oppression and holding myself and others accountable for oppressive practices just doesn’t come easy. It can often be exhausting. It is a true process. In truth, I am still learning how to define what feminism means in my life and what being a feminist entails. So, why am I writing this? Because I want all of the CFs and CFs in training to know that none of us are perfect. We all have our journeys. Sometimes they’re clearer than others. We’ll fuck up often, but learning from those mistakes makes us stronger; smarter. Because this is a learning process, I’ll be the first to share with you my top five most unfeminist moments.
5) Dancing to every PITBULL song at the club and sadly knowing all of the not-even–close-to-feminist lyrics.
[**I have no excuse. I really can’t help myself. Damn those beats.]
4) Letting family members get away with any sexist, racist, misogynist, and/or homophobic remarks.
[**Often times I go off on them. But I have realized that lecturing the old and young folk about patriarchy, sexism, colonialism, internalized racism, and the ills of most organized religions does not make you the popular cousin during the Thanksgiving meal. It makes them “forget” to invite you over next year.]
3) Wanting to have Maxwell’s baby.
**[I LOVE susiemaye but I would cut her if she got in the way of me and my future baby daddy, Maxwell. Feminist on feminist violence is NOT Feminist. Especially when you’re gay.]
2) Putting up with all of my exes’ bullshit. I can’t even list all of it ya’ll, but trust…it was too much.
[**Putting up with immature, misogynist, hypocritical, selfish, abusive behavior of any kind is NOT feminist. Being in communicative, honest, tender, loving, supportive, healthy, positive relationships…that’s feminist.]
1) Faking it. More than once…actually quite often.
[**These days, making sure my needs are REALLY met is the most feminist thing I can think of. Orgasms are FEMINIST and I gots no time for fake ones.]
Please feel free share yours.
~Crunkista
Damn, Crunkista! I love this! But I’ma need you and Susiemaye to work out those issues with Maxwell. My other title is not REFEREE, lol! Anyway, thank you so much for keeping it real. That’s the best thing we can do for feminism.
What Crunkista has failed to mention is that she officially gave him to me last week! ;o)
I agree, having honest dialogues about feminist praxis is so very feminist. Thanks for this post!
Yes, it is very hard to be feminist all the time. I have connected my feminism with my Pagan spirituality. I have created a new me and a new path. That’s my way of practcing feminism everyday. Now, it’s hard when I am at the movie theatre with my boyfriend and I want to say something about the movie but I don’t want to ruin it for him. Or when I am at my parents and they don’t SEE something and I tell them and all they caould say, was “Now, whats wrong with that?”
I love number 1!
“1) Faking it. More than once…actually quite often.
[**These days, making sure my needs are REALLY met is the most feminist thing I can think of. Orgasms are FEMINIST and I gots no time for fake ones.]”
Love it!
I definitly agree with #4. Having to lecture family members and even co-workers about “sexist, racist, misogynist, and/or homophobic remarks.” Should I lecture my co-worker when she remarks that getting called off yesterday was “sooo gay” or the family member that is waiting for me to find that bapist church home :-/ Anyways gotta learn when when to pick my battles, I guess
I came across Crunkista on twitter for my work with Pipeline. This is soo refreshing to read!! I am trying to live feminist-ly, and I am looking to devote myself to the feminist cause. So why then do I continue to buy People and Us weekly and pick pick pick at the celebs who are featured?? That’s one of my top 5 unfeminist practices. Celebrities are women too!! That..and faking a couple Big O’s in my life.
This post made me smile – oh so true on all five accounts!
I’d add not saying I’m a feminist amongst non-feminist women.
No longer though!
This is my correct profile by the way 🙂
I am a feminist that is guilty of most of your list…and I secretly like to get all dressed up (high heels and all) and go out dancing every now and then. Most of the time I live in my feminist-positive T-shirts and flip-flops, but every now and then I like to look conventionally sexy. Anyone else feel guilty about that?
I really appreciate your honesty!!!! We are simply human and it is fair to say that we all have our unfeminist moments as feminists. I
Thanks for your honesty!!
I have some, too!
1. Fixing his plate.
2. Giving head KNOWING I won’t be getting any head.
3. Putting on makeup if the guy is really, really cute.
4. Watching Ultimate Fighting Championship on my TV at my house b/c he likes it.
5. Watching Bridezillas and loving every moment of it.
Tonysha, you couldn’t possibly have me beat on how many times I have watched the Bridezilla episodes with Karen Refaeli. She STAYS on my on-demand. I love to hate her… yet I, too, will be yelling, “Shabbat shalom” and throwing up peace signs in my wedding dress.
Definitely a repeat offender when it comes to not calling out each and every ism I encounter. I’m a proud and strident feminist… but I ain’t no saint. And when it comes to loved ones in particular, I confess, that as often as not, I choose to be happy rather than right.
As for my four biggest feminists contradictions (’cause I’d be lying if I said there were only four):
1. Preferring to read “boy” books and watch “boy” movies (i.e. invest time and money in them) over those by women. Like… I dig Bret Easton Ellis (*ducking*). I can’t stomach most rom-coms and chick lit novels (and I WRITE the shit). If it weren’t for authors like Gwen Bolton, I would have written off the entire romance genre, erroneously presuming that there could be no feminism within those pages.
2. I expect to be courted and want to be pursued. Perhaps this is an extension of Dating While Feminist discussion, but ironically, after having less than stellar results being as feminist as possible in my dating life, I am presently and consciously trying on some different (and undeniably more traditional) dating practices. I’ve tried being that modern chick who steps to dude and asks for his number, especially since I tend to be attracted to the shy type. It wasn’t working for me, and I’m trying to not be rigid about this, but for the most part, I’m on some pursue-me shit these days.
3. I watch Bridezilla, Basketball Wives, and all manner of really problematic depictions of women of color on “reality” TV. . I’ll front like it’s only about staying on top of pop culture, being a media activist and all of that. But, dammit, if i don’t get caught up in the “storylines.” It really is a waste of my time and intelligence, especially since I’m NOT churning out the erudite critical analysis on my neglected blog that I keep using as an excuse to watch. But I watch for the same reason everyone else does — it allows me to say, “Damn, at least I ain’t like THAT.”
4. I use the b-word fairly regularly. In fact, I own a t-shirt that says, “You call me a bitch like it’s a bad thing.” I know many of my feminist colleagues disagree with me, and that this is very contradictory given my positions re: hip-hop, language matters, yada, yada, yada. I get it. I really do. But I’m not giving it up anytime soon. If another woman is abusing her power — especially in a preemptive, competitive swipe at me for doing nothing to her except being another woman standing in my own power – I gots to call it like I see it and no word fits better.
-ditto on not calling out multiple -isms.
-watchin the vh1 love shows (i’m NOT watching that 85 mess tho)
-i too use the b word and “broad” as a self-identifier and am doing some word play/metaplasm to try to curb that…